The Ends of the World
by NeoVenus22
Summary: The cast members of Utena...in a boyband...what?
1. Guess you can't really call it a 'boy' b...

Whoa! Hey. Remember me? Well, I'm back (not that I went anywhere to begin with), and more bizarre than ever.  
I really have nothing to write, so...  
Disclaimer: Utena doesn't belong to me. Too bad.  
Booyaka! ~NV22~  
  
***  
  
"Ladies and gentlemen... The Ennnnnds of the Wooooorld!"  
  
Screams reverberated through the stadium as five men ran out on stage and launched into an elaborate dance routine. "And there's just one hour left 'til we ride in my car/and it's gonna go fast and it's gonna go far/why don't you sit next to me and we'll look at the stars/let's go for a ride in the Akio car!"  
  
"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" The stadium absolutely vibrated with the combination of screaming and bass, and one of the young men was holding his head in agony as they walked off stage to thunderous applause.  
  
"Dios, I can't take another night of this," Ohtori Akio groaned. "Somebody get me an Advil."  
  
"Get your own damn Advil!" Saionji Kyouichi griped. "Why the hell does the song have to be about your damn car? No one gives a crap about your stupid red car, Akio!"  
  
"Saionji-san, calm down!" Kaoru Miki said placatingly. "It's not Akio-san's fault."  
  
"Miki's right," Kiryuu Touga said, barely concealing his smirk. "Any song that Saionji wrote would be about eggs and frilly yellow aprons."  
  
"Omae o korosu..." Saionji growled, glaring at the red-haired man.  
  
"You're not Heero Yuy, Saionji. Get over it."  
  
"I never wanted to be him!"  
  
"No, you just wanted to get with Relena," Akio said casually, running his hands through his luxurious lavender hair, having calmed down considerably with the intake of several pills.  
  
"That was Touga!"  
  
"Excuse me, I *have* gotten with Relena," Touga said with pride.  
  
"Heh, I've been down that road myself," Akio added, a fond, faraway look on his face.  
  
"Um, minna..?" The fifth and final member of the multi-platinum, super-popular boyband Ends of the World said, struggling desperately to get out of the gigantic baby blue jersey they were wearing. "Little help, please?"  
  
"Ara!" the men cried, jumped up, and immediately began to hoist the padded jersey over their bandmate's head. "Gomen nasai, Juri-san!" Miki cried.  
  
"Augh, my breasts are killing me..." Arisugawa Juri muttered, turning away from the men and removing the layers of masking tape wrapped around her breasts to make her look more like a flat-chested man. "Why, OH WHY, do I have to do this? Couldn't we get Mitsuru-chan or somebody to fill my place?"  
  
"Are you kidding?" Saionji said. "He's in fourth grade!"  
  
"Even *I* have limits about that sort of thing!" Akio cried out, and the others just stared at him in disbelief.  
  
"Besides, Juri," Touga said in his smoothest student council president voice, sneaking a peek as Juri slipped a t-shirt on over her head. "You'll get more girls this way."  
  
"Girls, schmirls!" Juri moaned. "Do you have any idea what it's like to smash two mounds of flesh and muscle into your chest for hours at a time while dancing to elaborately stupid routines that make you bounce naturally? All the while, you have on a huge ass jersey that weighs a ton and is apparently made out of an actual sheep for how hot it is just so you can look more like a man! Augh, my body's gonna hate me for years," she mumbled, reaching up and massaging her own breasts, oblivious to the reactions of the men around her. Touga and Akio were drooling, with Akio's hands outstretched as if to help himself; Miki was blushing furiously at trying to avert his eyes; and Saionji was passed out on the couch, a tissue pressed to his nosebleed and a picture of Anthy crumpled in his hand.  
  
"D'ya need a hand with that?" Akio said, still staring at Juri's chest.  
  
Juri realized where he was looking and removed her hands. "Thanks, but no."  
  
"C'mon..." Akio wheedled. "I'm sure you could use a man's touch..."  
  
"I've long since given up a 'man's touch', Akio-san," Juri said calmly, stealing a hairbrush from Saionji's dressing table and running it through her orange curls.  
  
"Juriiiiii!" Saionji wailed, leaping off the couch and diving for his fellow Student Council member. Juri, not even blinking much less stop brushing, stepped out of the way and Saionji landed on his face.  
  
"OW! Juri, that's MY brush!" he whined, face buried in the carpet. "You're gonna get it all icky and hairy!"  
  
"That's the purpose of a hairbrush, Saionji-san," Miki said with a sweatdrop, helping the older student to his feet.  
  
"I don't want any of her hairs messing with my *PERFECT* gorgeous locks!" Saionji said with a defiant hair-toss.  
  
"Oh, that's *very* runway, Saionji," Touga remarked dryly.  
  
"He's...too sexy for his shirt...too sexy for his shirt...so SEX-Y it HURTS," Akio said.  
  
Juri sweatdropped. "Thank you, Right-Said Fred."  
  
"If Akio imposes the one-hit-wonder curse on us, does that mean we can quit the Student Council?" Saionji asked.  
  
"I wish," Touga, Juri, and Miki all answered silmontaneously.  
  
"There will be NO quitting of the Student Council!" Akio declared dramatically, posing on top of the Akio Car, which had come out of nowhere, his shirt open and flapping in the breeze that had also come out of nowhere. "We will be a sexy, successful boyband with numerous number one hits!" Akio said, fondling himself.  
  
"For the Revolution of the World!"  
  
"Who said that, anyway?" Touga whispered to the others. He was met by three shrugs.  
  
***FIN*** 


	2. Akio: The Ohtori Akio Story

Part two of The Ends of the World. Oh, to be in a multi-platinum boyband. Oh, to be Juri, surrounded by a cute little boy (Miki), an angry young man (Saionji), and the messiah of translucent hair (Touga). ::sighs::  
Warning: contains some sexual content, mostly bizarre. Please don't take offense, I was informed it was only borderline 'too much'.  
Disclaimer: Utena doesn't belong to me. Any people, real or fictional, that I may make references to do not belong to me, either. ::uses Jedi mind trick:: You will not sue me...  
Damn! Star Wars doesn't belong to me, either. Oh, well...enjoy! R/R!  
Booyaka! ~NV22~  
  
***  
  
"Augh...I *HATE* morning afters..." Touga growled, rubbing his head fiercely.  
  
"Oh, I *knoooooooow...*" Akio agreed, reaching for the aspirin he always kept handy.  
  
"Ohtori Akio and Kiryuu Touga, poster children for Advil Addicts Anonymous," Juri commented idly.  
  
"They wouldn't really be anonymous then, would they?" Miki pointed out, sipping his tea.  
  
"How come he's always first?" Touga whined.  
  
"Could you two *please* tone it down?" Saionji said, turning up the volume on the TV. "Hey, you...yeah I'm talking to you, SASSY girl," he recited along with Justin Timberlake on the screen.  
  
Juri reached over and gently extracted the remote from Saionji's hand. His eyes were glazed slightly and he didn't notice, just kept mouthing the words to the new *NSYNC single blissfully.  
  
"Thanks enough MTV for him," Juri muttered, chucking the remote into a pile of Akio's dirty laundry. "Akio, I am *NOT* cleaning that up."  
  
"Why not?" Akio said.  
  
"Because they're filthy and disgusting and NOT MINE."  
  
"So? You're the woman!"  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"Do you think we brought you on board because you had actual talent?" Akio said.  
  
"Ouch!" Touga said appreciatively.  
  
"Thought never crossed my mind," she replied evenly. "After all, *you're* in the group."  
  
"Double ouch!" Miki said, and Touga gave him an odd look.  
  
"Are you looking to get kicked out of the group?" Akio threatened.  
  
"Yes, yes, a thousand times yes!" Juri cheered.  
  
"No fair!" Touga, Saionji, and Miki all whined. "I wanna get kicked out, too!"  
  
"No, wait, I don't," Touga said after a moment of thought. "GIRLS, baby, *GIRLS*!"  
  
"Dios, not *this* again," Juri groaned, rubbing her temple and reaching for Akio's aspirin.  
  
"How come you and Akio get all the girls?" Saionji demanded, jabbing Touga's chest with his finger.  
  
"We write all the songs and sing all the solos," Touga said calmly.  
  
"Why can't I write songs?" Saionji yelled. "I'm a good songwriter! I have lots of inspiration!"  
  
"Your songs would be bitch-about-Touga songs," Miki pointed out.  
  
"So? Any songs *you* would write would be about your 'shining thing!'" Saionji said, pointing an accusing finger at Miki and looking very much deranged. "And YOU!" he said, now aiming at Juri, "YOUR songs would all be about the power of miracles!"  
  
"It doesn't exist," Juri said bitterly.  
  
"Then why the hell are you searching for it?"  
  
"Listen, Juri-san," Touga said in his most comforting voice, laying a consoling hand on Juri's shoulder and for once in his life actually looking sincere. "About Shiori..."  
  
"Hai, Touga-san?" she said, sounding for all the world like Utena in her trusting-Akio moments.  
  
"I've gotten with her," Touga said matter-of-factly. "And believe you me, you're not missing anything..."  
  
Juri let out an animal cry of anger and disgust, shaking off Touga's hand and stomping off. "PIG!" she called over her shoulder.  
  
"He's right, you know," Akio added as she retreated.  
  
"PIGS!" was Juri's reply.  
  
Akio turned innocently to Touga (well, about as innocently as Akio can manage). "Really, I don't see what the hype was all about with Shiori."  
  
"I *knoooooooow...*" Touga agreed.  
  
"I could make one hell of a list of people I've gotten with," Akio said thoughtfully.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Wakaba..."  
  
"Who hasn't?"  
  
"Hum. Anthy."  
  
"Again, who hasn't?"  
  
"You haven't."  
  
"Haven't I?" Touga said mysteriously.  
  
"You'd better not lay a hand on my sister..." Akio threatened, moving to get up.  
  
Touga snorted. "Like you care."  
  
Akio settled back onto the couch. "Huh. Good point."  
  
"I know. Who else?"  
  
"Ayeka AND Ryoko..."  
  
"Sakuya..."  
  
Akio raised an eyebrow skeptically. "She wasn't real, man."  
  
"Oh, and Mikage *was*?" Touga countered, his own eyebrow raised skeptically.  
  
"Good point."  
  
"I seem to make a lot of those."  
  
"I've noticed. Ranma."  
  
"Male or female?"  
  
Akio shrugged. "Both."  
  
"Kinky."  
  
"Try the water trick in the middle of sex if you want kinky," Akio said with a wink.  
  
"Aah! Do *not* go there!" Saionji, who was listening in, called.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, nice skirt, Saionji," the two men chorused. Dubbed Utena did have some good parts, after all.  
  
"Sailorvenus," Akio continued.  
  
"Big deal," Touga snorted. "Like anyone wouldn't or couldn't. LBS."  
  
"LBS?"  
  
"Little Blond Slut," Touga confirmed. "Every series has one."  
  
"'Cept for ours. No blondes," Akio said. Except your sister, he thought, but knew better than to say it.  
  
"Plenty of sluts, though."  
  
"Yup." Akio paused, lost in thought. "Sailormoon."  
  
"Doesn't she have that tuxedo guy?"  
  
"Like that even matters! I'm *Akio*. I get everyone! Besides, Tuxie's a wimp."  
  
"True."  
  
"Sailormars."  
  
"Have you done *every* cast member of BSSM?" Touga asked.  
  
"Hey, having the same director pays off," Akio said with a leery grin. "I once got into a threesome with Uranus and Neptune."  
  
"*More* than I wanted to know," Touga said.  
  
"Oh, you know you wanted to know."  
  
"No, I didn't."  
  
Akio paused again, ignoring Touga as per usual. "Bulma."  
  
"That's different. Didn't Vegeta get on your case, or didn't he find out?"  
  
"More like didn't care. Seemed thrilled to be getting her off his hands...damn pink shirt. 'Bad Man', ha. Who's the master of bad men?"  
  
"Oh, Akio," Touga said dryly, rolling his eyes. "You are. You are."  
  
"Yesss! That's right, baby! Sexing up anime characters around the world!" There was that damn Akio Car and that damn breeze again. Akio ran his hands over his tanned chest.  
  
"For the Revolution of the World!"  
  
"Absolute Destiny: Apocalypse," Anthy said quietly, appearing out of nowhere.  
  
"ANNN-THYYY!" Akio called, hopping off the car and chasing his sister. "C'mere! I want some lovin'!"  
  
***FIN*** 


	3. Insert Fraggle Rock Theme Here

Please forgive me, this sucks royally.  
Utena and other things mentioned do not belong to me. The Jeep thing is a shout out to my friend's brother, who has this really loud and really annoying purple Jeep that he drives around at like four in the morning just to piss me off. Whoa, I'm okay now...  
Booyaka! ~NV22~  
  
***  
  
"BWAhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!" Saionji laughed, somewhat (okay, entirely) demonically. "The world is mine!"  
  
Akio reached over and snatched the small globe out of the green-haired man's hands. "No. Just...no."  
  
"Curses," Saionji growled, sinking into an oversized, plush chair and pushing his fingers together in that odd mastermindly way.  
  
"Is it just me, or does he sound a lot like Mojo Jojo?" Juri asked.  
  
"And *you* said that *he* watches too much cable TV," Miki commented idly.  
  
"Knock knock!" a voice chirped.  
  
Five curious heads turned to the doorway of the expansive dressing room. Juri dove behind a pile of Akio's dirty laundry to hide herself.  
  
"OHAYO!" Tenjou Utena yelled cheerfully.  
  
"Dios, what is SHE doing here?" Saionji cried.  
  
In an instant, Akio and Touga were both sidling up to the pink-haired title character.  
  
"Hey there, beautiful..." Akio drawled. "Did I mention I'm the lead singer of a world-famous, multi-platinum boy band now?"  
  
"Um, yeah. You did. That makes three hundred and twelve times, now."  
  
"Sweatdrop dually noted," Touga commented.  
  
Saionji giggled wildly. "You said *duel*!"  
  
"Dios..." the laundry pile muttered.  
  
"Nani?" Utena said. "Did that stinky pile of ugly ass Akio clothes talk?"  
  
"Who knows?" Miki said. "It's really rank, so it might be alive for all we know."  
  
"Miki!" Touga said, hugging Miki like a proud father. "You're turning into ME."  
  
Utena sweatdropped again. "Dios save us all."  
  
Akio stood up, cape flapping in the light breeze, striking a 'mighty' pose. "You rang?"  
  
Everyone in the room, including the rank laundry pile, sweatdropped. "Damn schizophrenia," Touga muttered. He waved his hand over Akio's head. "SLEEP!"  
  
Akio obediantly fell to the floor.  
  
"Why *are* you here, Utena-san?" Miki asked.  
  
"I dunno...school's kinda boring since the Student Council's gone. Nanami, Kozue, and Anthy are running amuck. Nanami's forcing all the guys to wear Touga wigs and listen to the Ends of the World CD, Kozue's sleeping with everyone, and Anthy went out and bought this hideous purple jeep that she drives around."  
  
"Does she sit on the front of it with her shirt unbuttoned?" Akio said eagerly.  
  
"No."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"So nothing has changed much," Miki said.  
  
"Your sister hasn't, that's for sure."  
  
"That's what you get for not being only children," the laundry remarked.  
  
Utena snapped her fingers. "*That's* who it reminds me of!" she said triumphantly.  
  
Touga looked worried. "Not Juri-san."  
  
"The trash heap on Fraggle Rock!"  
  
Sweatdrops.  
  
"Helloooo, random interlude," Miki said.  
  
"I thought that was Akio's job," the laundry said.  
  
"IF you want my body AND you think I'm sexy, COME on sugar let me know..." Akio belted out suddenly.  
  
"ANYTHING BUT ROD STEWART!" Utena, Miki, and the laundry chorused, the humans covering their ears.  
  
"Akio has now officially sang every song with the word 'sexy' in the title," Touga said.  
  
Akio jumped to his feet and held out one hand to Utena, Miki, Saionji, and Touga. "Stop."  
  
"Stop?--" Utena began, but Akio interrupted with "HAMMER TIME!" and started dancing madly, having donned really large and really ugly pants.  
  
"That's it," Juri said, standing up as Akio's skanky ass laundry fell in icky heaps around her. "I *so* quit now."  
  
"Juri-san?" Utena said.  
  
"Find a new fifth member!" Juri continued her tirade, jabbing Akio in the chest with her finger. "You're not manipulating me anymore."  
  
"But that's what I do best..." Akio whimpered softly.  
  
"You mean *you're* the fifth member?" Utena said, looking confused and shocked. "I thought you were all guys."  
  
"What can we say?" Touga said. "Juri-san's one of those 'butch' lesbians."  
  
Everyone anticipated the smack Touga got, though none felt remorse for it.  
  
"Back to *my* storyline," Juri said bitterly, "I'm quitting, Akio!"  
  
Akio shrugged. "Okay."  
  
"AAAAH!"  
  
"What? What'd I say?"  
  
"You're supposed to get down on your knees and beg for me to stay!" Juri demanded.  
  
Miki dropped to his knees, tears in his eyes. "Please please please please please please stay, Juri-saaaaan...."  
  
***To be continued...***  
  
Touga: Wait, what the hell? This stupid-ass story doesn't need a TBC.  
  
Utena: Yes it does! I haven't had many lines.  
  
Saionji: I want more solos!  
  
Akio, Touga, Juri, Miki, Utena: SHUT UP, SAIONJI!  
  
Anthy: Absolute Destiny Apocalypse.  
  
Utena: ??? What does that *mean*, anyway?  
  
***FIN*** 


	4. The Sweatdrop Heard 'Round The World

Konnichiwa! ^_^ I'm in a good mood, despite the fact that this particular chapter isn't all that good. Excuse any shameless plugs I may have included.  
Disclaimer: Utena doesn't belong to me. Although Touga is waiting upstairs for me right now. ^_^ Please R/R!  
Booyaka! ~NV22~  
  
***  
  
*Last time...on 'Why The Hell Are We Doing This?'...*  
  
[cut to Juri, holding dramatic pose, hands on hips, chin in air, breeze blowing her hair behind her]  
  
Juri: I'm quitting, Akio!  
  
[cut to Miki, on hands and knees]  
  
Miki: Please please please please please please stay, Juri-saaaaan....  
  
[cut to Saionji, sitting angrily on couch, arms folded]  
  
Saionji: I want more solos!  
  
*And now, today's episode of 'Why Aren't I Getting Paid For This Shit?'!*  
  
  
Kaoru Miki was shedding tears. Tears usually reserved for a sappy Meg Ryan movie or the death of a child's first pet.  
  
"Juri, you can't leave...you're my only ally...the only one who doesn't want me for passionate, loveless sex!"  
  
"I'm sure Saionji doesn't want your body, Miki-chan," Juri said consolingly, patting the younger boy's blue-haired head.  
  
Miki straightened up and glared at his fellow duelist and boy band member. "What, I'm not sexy enough for you?" he demanded.  
  
"DUH, Miki," Utena drawled. "She's gay, remember?"  
  
The collective jaws of Miki, Juri, Touga, Saionji, and Akio hit the floor, making it shake quite a bit. Once Utena regained her footing, she blinked innocently at the Student Council/boy band. "Nani?"  
  
"You *KNEW*?" they chorused in perfect synch. Well, hey. They *were* a boy band.  
  
"Oh, like it wasn't freakin' obvious." She turned to the only female of the group. "Juri, you gotta stay."  
  
Juri stuck out her lower lip stubbornly. "Why?"  
  
"Think of all the money!"  
  
"Could buy some good porn with that," Juri admitted.  
  
"Think of all the women!" Utena continued.  
  
"This just keeps getting better and better..." Juri sighed, looking around. "Fine. I'll stay."  
  
"YAY!" Miki shouted, grabbing Saionji around the waist and swinging him around.  
  
"On one condition," Juri said. "Utena stays on as our...our..."  
  
"Tour whore?" Akio suggested eagerly.  
  
"No! Our water girl."  
  
"NANI?" Akio, Touga, Saionji, Miki, and Utena chorused, followed by Saionji's cry of, "NOOOOO!" and Akio and Touga's collective shout of "Wa-HOO!"  
  
"No way am I dealing with these putzes on a regular basis!" Utena said.  
  
"I'll agree to your conditions," Akio said, "with one of my own. She has to work naked."  
  
"NO WAY," Utena, Miki, and Saionji said. "Juri, do something!" Utena said.  
  
"Actually..."  
  
"JUR-i!"  
  
"Eep! I mean...no sale, Akio. She stays clothed."  
  
"Damn straight," Utena muttered.  
  
"How about something scanty?" Akio suggested. "Like a toga or something..."  
  
"Please, please!" Touga shouted. "PLEASE dress her in a Touga!"  
  
"Touga no hentai!" Miki cried, hitting him with a pillow.  
  
"Hmm..." Utena murmured, then snapped out of her reverie. "Uh..."  
  
"Here's the deal. If she wears a bikini, she can stay."  
  
"Nani?" Utena said.  
  
"Deal," Juri said.  
  
"NANI? Juri!" Utena glared at the older student, who was wearing a particularly self-satisfied look. Juri's reasoning here was she would have a female around, a young, cute one, so that Touga and Akio would get off her back.  
  
"C'mon, Utena, it won't be *so* bad."  
  
"Easy for you to say."  
  
***two weeks later***  
  
"Thank you and goodnight!" Akio yelled to a crowd of fans. "Call me!" he added to a particularly cute and particularly scantily-clad fan in the front row, who nodded and winked.  
  
"Ugh, men," Juri griped to herself, grabbing the collar of Akio's boy-next-door jersey and dragging him off stage behind her.  
  
"What? You know she was sexy."  
  
"You think anyone with breasts is sexy."  
  
"You mean anyone with feet," Utena griped, tossing a bottle of water at Akio. Make that, throwing it fairly roughly. As in, he fell over backwards when it his chest. "He has a fetish."  
  
"Gaah...not again..." Juri's muffled voice came. "I hate this thing!" Utena looked at Juri and groaned. She was caught in her jersey, *again*.  
  
"For the love of Dios," she grumbled, and went over to help her fellow female out of the extraneous garment.  
  
When Akio came to, he saw Utena undressing Juri, and got a nosebleed of epic proportions that only Mahou Tsukai Tai's Takeo could match.  
  
"Yeeeeesssss," he groaned. "Finally, all my dreams realized! ...Well, they would be if it was Anthy and Utena, but beggars can't be choosers!"  
  
"Akio-san no hentai!" Miki shrieked, whacking the purple-haired sex fiend with a baseball bat.  
  
Utena and Juri's eyes widened.  
  
"He's getting quite violent, isn't he."  
  
***  
  
Touga: So what do you want to do tomorrow night, Utena?  
  
Utena: Same thing we do every night, Touga-san. Make sweet recreational whoopee, then try to revolutionize the world. Except without the first part, just the world revolution part.  
  
Touga: _ Aw, dammit!  
  
Utena: Absolute Destiny: Apocalypse. Dammit, Touga, get your hand off my ass!  
  
***FIN*** 


	5. Rubber Duckies, Abe Lincoln, and the Blo...

-_-;; Gomen. I did it again. I played with your--er, that is, I wrote another chapter. And as of late, I seem obsessed with quoting Britney "B-money" Spears' song "Oops...I Did It Again". Be sure to thank my friend Stan for that; he got me the singing watch for Christmas.  
Just a quick thanks to everyone who's reviewed...you guys mean a lot to me! And anyone who put this particular story on their favorites list (or me as an author!): I LOVE YOU!!!!! It's people like you that make me want to do this. Oh, and my therapist wants you all shot. Keep your doors locked! ^_^  
Oh, and a quick shout-out to ff.net's newest contributing author, Assassin Shura! Yay, Lena! Read her stuff. Ees good!  
Disclaimer: Shoujo Kakumei Utena, it's respected characters, and any other famous things I mentioned are entirely intentional. But they don't belong to me, so no sue!  
Booyaka! ~NV22~  
  
***  
  
"OOPS! I...did it a-gain...I played with your hear-ar-art, got lost in the game! Ooh, baby, baby..."  
  
"Hello?" Utena called out, walking into the dressing room. She was met by strange warbling sounds.  
  
"...OOPS! You...think I'm in love...was sent from a-bo-o-o-ove...I'm not! That! Innocent!"  
  
"Hello!" Utena tried again, irritation lacing her voice. She was stuck here, not getting paid, constantly getting hit on by Akio, the least she deserved was some sort of respect.  
  
Yeah, right.  
  
Utena walked into the bathroom. She'd had a really long day and really had to pee. She hadn't been expecting the bathroom to be occupied. And she certainly hadn't been expecting the particular sight she was greeted by.  
  
Saionji was standing the shower, decked out in a frilly yellow apron, scrub brush in one hand and matching yellow rubber ducky in the other, belting out Britney Spears at the top of his lungs.  
  
"Dios!" Utena yelped, jumping about ten feet in the air, whacking her head against the ceiling, and hitting the floor quite painfully. Even so, she still managed to clamor backwards into the door, which she'd stupidly shut behind her.  
  
Saionji stuck his head out of the shower, and his eyes widened. "What the hell are YOU doing here?"  
  
"It's a *group* bathroom, Skirt Boy," she said. "But now I may never come in here again."  
  
"We can only hope," he said with a snide glare, stepping out of the shower in that hideous apron.  
  
"Dios..." she muttered again, averting her eyes. "I need a sandblaster. My eyes!!!" She got to her feet and ran into the other room, now filled up with the other members of the band.  
  
"Hey, Juri..." Akio said with a leer. "Do your boobies still hurt from the tape? I was thinking a man's touch might help..."  
  
"Did he just say 'boobies'?" Utena asked.  
  
Touga laughed. "Hooray for Boobies!"  
  
Miki walked calmly up to the audience and bowed his head. "Gomen nasai, minna-san," he said solemnly. "Please forgive our shameless plugs."  
  
"I've given up a man's touch awhile ago, Akio," Juri said bitingly.  
  
"This sounds familiar somehow..." Utena said.  
  
"Shut up, you," Saionji growled, having finally put on some real clothing. "You weren't in the first chapter."  
  
"Too bad for the rest of us," Akio said, sidling up to the pink-haired student.  
  
"Um, minna? We should write more songs," Touga said logically.  
  
"Yeah," Miki said. "We're gonna start the second leg of our tour tomorrow, and we still only have a two-song set."  
  
"DAMMIT!" Akio roared. "I am NOT some kind of creative fountain you can just throw pennies at whenever you're in a craphole and need inspiration!"  
  
"Craphole?" Juri repeated, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Dios save me if I ever turn to Akio for inspiration," Touga muttered.  
  
Saionji giggled inanely and began chucking pennies at Akio.  
  
"Quit it, you little asswipe," Akio growled, rubbing at the imprint of Abraham Lincoln on his forehead.  
  
"Ooh, I'm *so scared*," Saionji taunted. He began hopping around the room, laughing at Akio mockingly. "What's the big bad Akio gonna do to me, huh? You gonna kick me out of your schooool? You gonna make practice lonnnnger?"  
  
"Saionji, NO!" Touga, Miki, Utena, and Juri hissed, waving at him frantically from behind Akio's back.  
  
"I think I'll do just that," Akio said with an evil grin.  
  
Ten miles away, a bored college student by the name of Itou Tami, not that it matters, heard a loud and bizarre cry of "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!..."  
  
And so it was done. Akio had somehow obtained the Power of Dios and used it for his own evil devices, forcing the other members of Ends of the World to endure practices of inhumane lengths.  
  
Oh, and Utena had to go to them, too. Nothing quite like the joy of watching Akio prance around in lavender Speedos.  
  
"Oh, Dios! No more, I beg of you! Where's that damned sandblaster?"  
  
To be continued...  
  
Miki: Wait one freakin' second. How the hell can we make practice longer? You can only do so much with a TWO-SONG SET!  
  
Akio: You be quiet. I'm in charge here.  
  
Author: Actually, I'm in charge here.  
  
Utena: DAMMIT! It's *MY* series!  
  
Touga: -_-;;; Absolute Destiny: Apocalypse.  
  
***FIN*** 


	6. I'm Cuckoo For Plot Devices!

In the spirit of boredom, I decided to write another action-packed chapter. Huzzah!  
The standard disclaimers apply. They always apply. You should really know this by now.  
I'd also like to include a quick shout-out to Assassin Shura (read her story "Spring" in Original Anime/Manga), who sent in most of Saionji's letters! ^_^ We should do a collaboration real soon, okies?  
Booyaka! ~NV22~  
  
***  
  
Akio woke up that morning to a strange buzzing sound. Upon reaching a stage of consciousness, he threw his alarm clock out the window. Oddly enough, when he was finally awake enough to sit up in bed, the window had disappeared.  
  
But it didn't bother him too much. After all, he was Ohtori Akio. Resident dean of Ohtori Academy, and lead singer of the multi-platinum boy band Ends of the World. Never mind the fact that the school was currently in shambles without its Student Council. (And as an afterthought, you should probably ignore the fact that it was in shambles *while* the Student Council was there.) And it wasn't important that Ends of the World only had two songs. He was Ohtori Akio, goddammit! He had a car named after him! He got to sleep with every girl --every *student*-- on campus, and no one thought anything of it! *AND* he was engaged! *AND* he was screwing his sister, too!  
  
All in all, it was a good day to wake up and be Ohtori Akio.  
  
Any day was a good day to wake up and be Ohtori Akio.  
  
"AKIO! Get your stupid, lazy, hairy ass in here!"  
  
Dammit! Stupid band members. Who did they think they were, anyway? He was the one carrying the group. He was the one with the talent.  
  
And his ass was NOT hairy.  
  
Akio got dressed in record time. After all, he had the Power of Dios on his side, did he not? When he got into the common room, the other members of the group were lounging about --did he pay them to lounge?-- while Utena rifled through a massive mail bag.  
  
"Miki. Saionji. Miki. Touga. Touga," she read, distributing the envelopes to the appropriate members. "Junpei," Utena said, stifling a smirk, as she threw the envelope to Juri. The orange-haired duellist had had to pick a more 'masculine' name to suit her new male boy band member persona. She'd been drunk and watching reruns of "Those Who Hunt Elves" on some shit cable channel.  
  
"Any in there for *me*, sweetcakes?" Akio drawled in his best 'oh yeah, I'm Akio, you *know* you want me' voice.  
  
"Saionji. Miki. Junpei. Junpei. Touga. Touga. Junpei. Miki. Saionji. Saionji. Miki. Touga. Touga. Junpei. Touga. Miki..." Utena continued, completely ignoring Akio.  
  
"Hel-lo-ooo!" Akio drawled impatiently, waving his arms in the air. "What about ME? Akio."  
  
"Saionji. Saionji. Another for Saionji, goddamn. Touga, Touga, Touga, Touga...Junpei, Miki, Miki, Junpei. Saionji again. Akio," Utena read, throwing an envelope in Akio's general direction. She wasn't looking. She missed him by a mile.  
  
Akio dove for the envelope, knocking over an empty chair and a few books --books?!-- in the process. "Utena!" he scolded, cradling the envelope to his chest. "You mustn't be so careless. *Every* fan letter is precious. No matter how many I receive, I cherish each and every one of them."  
  
Utena was ignoring him again. Oh, well.  
  
Akio gave his envelope a proud-papa gaze. Slowly his smile slipped as he took in the flimsy appearance: the light weight, the dog-eared corners, the smudged ink, the wet spot that smelled oddly like dog piss.  
  
Well. He couldn't very well judge his fans based on their apparent disregard for hygeine, could he? Of course not. He was Ohtori Akio. He was like a god to these people. Gingerly he tore into the envelope, and pulled out a small index card, on which was scrawled the phrase:  
  
Is that your natural hair color?  
  
You had to give Akio credit. Even though his blood pressure was rising dangerously, he never lost his cool. He kept a calm, serene expression on his face at all times while he methodically ripped the index card into little shreds, ripped the shreds into shreds, and those shreds into tiny crumbs that only barely resembled paper, then sprinkled them in Saionji's emerald mane. Saionji was dealing with a lapful of scented fan letters, and didn't notice.  
  
"That's it...last of the bag..." Utena said, ripping open a hole in hammerspace and throwing the empty mailbag inside.  
  
"Hey! We don't even *use* hammerspace in our show!" Saionji protested. "Oooh! This one smells like lilacs!"  
  
"So that was it?" Akio said. "Just *one* letter for me?"  
  
DE-nied!  
  
"Fine then," Akio sniffed indignantly. "I'll just be going into my room then."  
  
"Hey, who wants lunch?" Touga asked.  
  
"Ooh, me! Me!"  
  
Akio sweatdropped and trudged into his room, where he flopped down his bed and opened his mouth to go into a touching soliloquy.  
  
There was a knock on the door.  
  
"What's this?" Akio said, getting up. "A fan? Utena with a bag of letters for me? Utena not wearing any clothing? Utena, Anthy, and Juri proposing a scandalous orgy?"  
  
It was instead an middle-aged guy in a flannel shirt. "Um, hi? Akio? I'm the director of the plot...I've gotten notes from the cheese that your soliloquy has been cut. Apparently...no one cares. Later!"  
  
Did he say it was a good day?  
  
Akio lay down again, and no sooner had he done so then the door opened and Utena waltzed in. "Akio-san?" she asked tentatively. "Are you okay? Do you want to talk about your feelings?"  
  
Akio sniffed mournfully. "I didn't get any letters," he moaned.  
  
"Ohhh, Akio..." Utena whispered, curling up closer to him. "I don't care how many letters you get. In fact, the fewer, the better. Less competition for me."  
  
"Utena...you know you'll always be number one to me," Akio cooed, stroking that sexy pink hair of hers affectionately.  
  
"Akio..." she murmured in the lowest of voices, leaning in, lips puckered.  
  
Akio let his eyes droop half-mast, and he moistened his lips in anticipation of their kiss.  
  
Utena wavered a moment, then dissapated altogether.  
  
Akio sat up in bed.  
  
Damn those dream sequences!  
  
What was next? Flashbacks?  
  
***flashback***  
Little Anthy was lying on her back, happy as a clam, chewing on a stuffed doll. Little Akio came prancing along and stole it from her without hesitation.  
  
"Hey! This is a little *too* far back!"  
***end flashback***  
  
"That's enough of that," Akio said. "Narrator!"  
  
::sigh:: To be continued...  
  
Touga: What the hell was that?  
  
Saionji: [giggles] I got fan letters. ^^v  
  
Touga: What was that line all about? "Who wants lunch." Ha! Like I'd ever say something so cheap and trivial!  
  
Utena: I can't believe I almost kissed Akio.  
  
Akio: I can't believe it was only a dream sequence.  
  
Miki: I can't believe it's not butter.  
  
Touga: Enough of this. Who wants lunch?  
  
Utena, Juri, Miki, Saionji: Ooh, me! Me!  
  
Akio: -_-;;; Absolute Destiny: Apocalypse.  
  
***FIN*** 


	7. I Can't Believe I Ate The Whoooooooooole...

Yes! After the hiatus of a lifetime, I'm back! That's right, I finally buckled down and finished the damn chapter. For awhile there I was on an anti-writing kick, with no inspiration and no motivation. But I convinced myself the least I could do was finish my beloved EotW. I figure this thing has about two more chapters left in it, but don't quote me on that! And now, I bring you chapter seven!  
Disclaimer: SKU and its characters do not belong to me. However, I will except donations...  
  
***  
  
Saionji was crying. And these weren't just any tears. These were big, sloppy, Julia Roberts movie tears. Only there wasn't a Julia Roberts movie playing anywhere within distance. As a matter of fact, there were no TVs to be seen in the entire Ends of the World compound, by special request of Juri, who claimed to be slowly losing her mind from cable television overdose.  
  
Touga, being the good friend he was, decided to investigate. Rather, he was forced into it by Utena, who, despite all her misgivings, couldn't let the poor green-haired lout go on crying as if his best friend had just died when truth was he was just off screwing a few fans in the back of Akio's car. But anyway. Touga, being a good...okay, he was being Touga, decided to investigate.  
  
"Saionji-kun? Is there anything you'd...er...like to...er...talk about? Perhaps? ::cough::"  
  
"Not especially," Saionji said after a moment's hesitance.  
  
"Okay, good," Touga said, and started to walk away. Unfortunately for him, he'd been stopped dead in his tracks. He looked down and saw Saionji clinging to his favorite pair of pants. "Touga-kun...I need to talk...please!"  
  
With a reluctant, heaving sigh, Touga sat down on the couch, Saionji still wrapped around his calf. Touga wiggled his leg angrily. "Dude, leggo. You're wrinkling the pants. I love these pants."  
  
Saionji groveled a few seconds more, muttered some apologies that Touga was sure were only half-hearted, and sat beside the crimson-headed bishonen.  
  
"So..." Touga drawled, hating this touchy-feely crap with as much passion as a manly-man such as himself could, "what's...er...that is...what's...um...up?"  
  
"Well," Saionji said, taking a deep breath. Touga steeled himself for something unpleasant, personal details perhaps, but instead Saionji burst out with a statement that could be considered far worse: "I want an image song."  
  
Touga froze into shock for a few brief seconds, and when he came to, he was enraged. "You want a WHAT?"  
  
"Oh, c'mon, Touga!" Saionji whimpered with his best attempt at puppy-dog eyes, which wouldn't have worked on Touga even if they were decent.  
  
"Hells no," Touga spat vehemently, and started to get up.  
  
As he stalked out of the room, Utena casually strolled by him. "So...how'd it go?" she inquired in the most relaxed of tones.  
  
"I am NOT talking to that...that...dunderhead!" Touga spluttered, flailing his arms about like he had just learned the new dance moves to one of his songs.  
  
"Oh, yes, you are!" Utena replied, irritated with how minor a role she had in this stupid fic despite the fact that it was HER series, and wanting to further the plot. She grabbed Touga's arm and wheeled him in a 180 back into the room. "We all are," she declared, and left, reappearing moments later with Juri, Miki, and Akio dragging behind her, protesting loudly. "You four," she commanded. "Sit. You," she said, pointing at a perplexed Saionji, "talk."  
  
"I want an image song," Saionji said for the second time in the span of one confusing minute.  
  
"You want a WHAT?" Utena, Miki, Juri, and Akio chorused. Touga merely sat on the couch, glaring out absently with an 'I told you so' expression on his face.  
  
"C'mon!" Saionji pleaded. "Please? Everyone gets an image song! Akio has that stupid song about his stupid car...Miki has that freaking thing about that freaking garden... even Touga has Madonna's 'Dress You Up'! I want an image song, too!"  
  
There was an incredulous pause as they took this in. Then all hell broke loose.  
  
"WHAT?" everyone chorused (save Touga).  
  
Miki started laughing hysterically and fell off his chair.  
  
"No way is he getting an image song!" Juri said.  
  
"'Even' Touga?" Touga muttered incredulously.  
  
"I second that," Utena said. "Sorry I made you all come in here for this shit, minna...I didn't know it'd be so stupid and pointless." She, Juri, Miki, and Touga made a move to leave, but Akio held up his hand.  
  
"Wait!" he commanded. "I AM the leader of this group, and it only seems fair that our confused, apron-wearing, tent-building, egg-toting friend get his own image song. And seeing as how the real writers of the show are not here, and that Madonna is currently on hiatus elsewhere...I propose that Saionji write the damned thing himself."  
  
The other members of the boy band (and Utena) pondered this. "Yeah, okay."  
  
Saionji was wriggling all over like an excited puppy. "Can I sing it in concert? A solo?"  
  
Akio shrugged, and Utena thought she glimpsed a glazed-over look to him. "Sure. What the hell."  
  
"Great. Our decisions are being made by Druggy, the Wonder Boy," she scoffed.  
  
"Hey, as I recall, you're not actually *in* the band," Saionji said, but his tone lacked its usual amount of malice. Perhaps the offering of the image song would do them all some good.  
  
"WHOOPEE!" he yelped, and backflipped off the couch, which was really quite a sight because he had been sitting down and quite frankly, they hadn't expected him to be able to that.  
  
"I get an image song! I get an image song!" Saionji chanted, prancing about in what they assumed was some sort of victory dance, which involved a lot of arm-flailing, high-kicking, and strange noises.  
  
Yeah, they were doomed.  
  
Later that week...  
  
"I did it! I did it! I di-di-di-di-diiiiiiiiiiiiid it!" Saionji whooped, moon-walking into the common room.  
  
"Did what?" Miki asked innocently, and Juri smacked the poor boy upside the head for encouraging Saionji to talk.  
  
"I wrote a song!" Saionji chirped, beaming like he'd just killed Touga's cat.  
  
"Let's hope it's better than the one you just sang us," Utena muttered, shaking her head. For the six billionth, twenty second thousandth, five hundred and seventy-eighth time, she wondered how in the hell she'd gotten roped into this insanity and what she'd done to deserve such punishment.  
  
"'Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Oh, I am Saionji, I'm the best on the show! You see my sexy green hair and you just can't say no! I make the girls cry, I make the women scream...and you can polish my katana if you know what I mean! Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh, oh, oh yeah--'"  
  
"STOP!" Utena wailed, holding her hands over her ears. A quick glance around the room revealed that Touga was holding a similar position as hers, Juri was beating her head against a wall, and Miki was curled in the fetal position on the edge of the couch, crying softly. Akio, on the other hand, was smiling and nodding his head enthusiastically to the beat. "This is great!" he said.  
  
"You *would* like it," Juri muttered. Her voice was a bit thick with the threat of a concussion.  
  
"So I can perform it?" Saionji said, his eyes wide and watery.  
  
There was a long, fearful pause in which every member of the band save Akio was waiting on tenterhooks for the Satanic one to make his decision.  
  
He gave a curt nod. "Yes."  
  
Somewhere in Tallahassee, an elderly woman with unusually excellent hearing thought for sure the world was ending, so loud was the explosion. She ducked into the crawl space behind her armoire and wouldn't leave for three weeks, until finally a concerned neighbor had the local fire station break down the door with an axe. Which didn't do much for her mental well-being, but the kind firefighter gently explained to her that the world *hadn't* come to an end. At least, not yet.  
  
Well, all of that aside, at that precise moment, Saionji was performing a set of intricately complicated gymnastics that one wouldn't have expected him to be capable of in a state of anything other than total euphoria. Juri was trying to find an object sharp enough to cut out her vital organs. Utena was sitting silently, mouth slightly open, probably in shock. Touga was giggling at the oddness of it. Miki was sobbing openly now, rocking back and forth slightly. Akio just grinned.  
  
To be continued...  
  
Saionji: D'ya wanna hear more of my song?  
  
Utena, Touga, Miki, Juri: NO!  
  
Akio: ::shrug:: Okay.  
  
Saionji: 'Well, I'm always in Touga's shadow, and no one likes my eggs...'  
  
Utena: -_-;;; Absolute Destiny: Apocalypse.  
  
Touga: Oh yeah. The world is definitely coming to an end.  
  
Old woman: I told ya! I told ya!  
  
***FIN*** 


	8. Nights in Green Satin

Well, here's chapter 8 for y'alls. I was going to finish up the part about Saionji before I realized it was too long, and it's better to drag things out. ^_^ Don't be too mad. Please R/R, and PLEASE enjoy! Thanks!  
Disclaimer: I don't own Utena, doi. Although I *do* own a box set of the entire first season, AND the movie on DVD...I didn't understand it, either. ^_^  
  
***  
  
"Zettai unmei mokushi-roku...zettai unmei mokushi-roku..."  
  
Touga blinked at the rolling credits, promises of an upcoming apocalypse singing in his head. "But...but..." he spluttered, pointing an accusing finger at the screen. "I...and she...it doesn't make sense!"  
  
Utena pressed the eject button and 'Shoujo Kakumei Utena: The Movie' came out of the VCR. "That was the creepiest thing I've ever seen, and I've seen Saionji naked," she said, shaking her head. "I'm a car..?"  
  
"And a damn sexy one at that," Akio said with the smarmiest of leers, stretching an arm around her shoulders.  
  
"EW!" our heroine (if you can call her that...she *is* a car, you know...) shrieked, writhing out of Akio's grasp. "Don't touch me! You had sex with your sister!"  
  
"Utena-kun...I've been doing it all the time you've known me..."  
  
"...Oh. Right. Forgot."  
  
"This movie is by far the strangest thing I've ever witnessed," Juri said, staring at the blank screen with an unreadable expression on her face. "Did I or didn't I get Shiori at the end?"  
  
"I don't think you did," Utena said, sitting on the couch with the others. They were all looking quite dazed. "I mean, she died, didn't she?"  
  
"She was a car and crashed," Miki said. "I'm not surprised. Akio taught her to drive."  
  
"I taught her a few other things, too," Akio said with an exaggerated wink.  
  
The comment, which would have normally made them all groan, throw things at his head, and leave the room, went by unnoticed, as it did not pertain to the movie they had just seen and did not understand.  
  
"So I was never real?" Touga said, looking like a lost little boy.  
  
"Well, you *were* real...and then you died...and then you weren't real because you were dead," Miki said. He seemed to have the best grip of the movie, because it wasn't too far a cry from his regular life, which did involve his twin sister whoring herself about and occasionally trying to kill him.  
  
"But how come I talked to people..?"  
  
"Utena was just trying to justify your disappearance...she'd somehow blocked it from her memory that it was *you* that drowned saving the girl...so she was in denial."  
  
"But I never went to Egypt!" Utena protested.  
  
"Then how come Anthy talked to me?"  
  
"I guess she's just slutty with everyone," Miki said with a shrug. "Kinda destroys a lot of illusions, doesn't it."  
  
"I am thoroughly dissatisfied with this movie," Touga said, shaking his head. "I was damn sexy, but I wasn't even *real*! I was Utena...and I was Mikage...and...and..." He started to rock back and forth, sobbing.  
  
Saionji walked into the room then. "Uh, minna? We have a show in, like, *now*. Can we go?"  
  
"Give them a second to recover," Miki said. "They've just seen the Utena movie."  
  
"Gah, I hated that thing," Saionji said. "I was only in it a couple of seconds."  
  
"Lucky us," Utena muttered.  
  
"Yeah, and then I saved *your* ass," he sneered. "What was up with that?"  
  
"And what a nice, shapely, delicious ass it was..." Akio said in a tantalizingly slow voice, moving closer to his prey. "Mmm...delicious ass..."  
  
Utena screamed and ran for the exit.  
  
"Well, for once the little bitch has the right idea. Hurry up hurry up hurry *up*!" Saionji said anxiously, hopping from one foot to the other like a sugar-high little kid.  
  
"What's your rush?" Touga inquired, finally coming back to reality and standing up.  
  
"I get to sing my song today!" Saionji cheered.  
  
The group groaned, sans Akio, who rather liked Saionji's stupid song, and Utena, who was no longer there. "Spare me," Juri said. Saionji's image song was all about how much Touga sucked and how eggs were yummy and how yellow frilly aprons were perfectly masculine articles of clothing.  
  
"Hey, Saionji-san," Miki said slowly as the band members and Utena made their way towards the stage. "I'd love to have you sing solo."  
  
Saionji's eyes shone with happy tears. "Really, Miki-chan?" he said, positively glowing.  
  
"Yeah," Miki said with a decisive nod. "So low I can't hear you!"  
  
It was an old joke, a lame joke, but the group exploded in laughter anyways, because it was at the expense of Saionji, whom none of them were that fond of. Saionji, the poor dope, looked like he was about to cry, and this time, not out of happiness. "You...all feel that way?" he said softly. The response was still solid laughter. Saionji tossed his hair haughtily. "No matter," he said. "I'm still damn sexy and my song is still good, and the fans will love me, even if you don't. So there."  
  
Meanwhile, Utena, unfortunately not hearing the joke, was out on stage, ready to introduce the band. "Helloooooo, Cleveland!" she shouted exuberantly into the microphone.  
  
"This is Juuban, you putz!" a voice in the audience called.  
  
"Oh, stuff a sock in it," she retorted. "Preferably one of Akio's old ones, he's got a billion. Freaking fetish," she grumbled, answered by audience cheers. "Anyways, are you ready to rock?"  
  
"Actually, I was sort of ready for a nap," someone in the front row said.  
  
Utena contained her rage. "Ladies and random gay men!" she called. "The Ennnnnnnnnds of the Woooooooooooooooooorrrrlllld!"  
  
The generic but packed building exploded. That is, it exploded in cheers. Although, had it actually exploded, it would have been much easier on everyone else, especially the whole of Ohtori Academy, who were finally experiencing something close to normality at their school. Anyway, the building exploded in cheers, and Ends of the World ran on stage, waving energetically, some of them, namely Akio and Touga, checking out the scantily clad fangirls assembled in the audience.  
  
"We have a special show for you tonight!" Miki said, taking the mic. "And we're not just saying that because Akio wants to sleep with each and every one of you, yes, even that fat chick in the third row. This night is really special, because tonight we world-premiere, for the first time ever, the latest song by our very own Saionji Kyouichi! It's called...um..." he faltered. Faintly, one could hear crickets. Miki looked over his shoulder at Saionji, who was primping and staring into a hand-held mirror as he waited. "What's the name of the stupid song?" he hissed.  
  
Saionji shrugged. "I dunno. I never came up with a title to the damn thing."  
  
"Er...it's called, 'Nights in Green Satin'!" Miki yelled, to a surprising round of cheers.  
  
"Oh, the Moody Blues are so going to sue us," Touga said with quite the sweatdrop.  
  
Saionji snatched the microphone from Miki moodily, and relished the feel of it in his hands. Dios knew he'd never gotten a chance at it before. "Start the music! 'Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Oh, I am Saionji, I'm the best on the show! You see my sexy green hair and you just can't say no! I make the girls cry, I make the women scream...and you can polish my katana if you know what I mean! Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh, oh, oh yeah--'"  
  
He finished the entire song, stopping in the middle for an elaborate and ultimately stupid dance break. Saionji's dancing skills were actually surprisingly good, all things considered, but man, he blew this one.  
  
The audience, the rest of the group, the back up band, and any and all stage hands stood in a collective frozen shock. Saionji's ear-to-ear grin of pure joy began to slip. Seconds passed as hours.  
  
Finally, someone in the fifth row or so tittered.  
  
That one giggle didn't seem like much at the time, but in retrospect it was the very cause of the disaster to follow. One by one, row by row, section by section...soon everyone was doubled over in hysterical laughter, people clinging onto each other to stay upright, tears in shiny streams down young exuberant faces, and the like.  
  
The smile was definitely gone now.  
  
"You...you didn't like my song?"  
  
Everyone merely laughed harder.  
  
Saionji blinked, looking torn between tears and unspeakable rage. At last, he spoke. "I stole this one from Jerry Maguire," he sneered. "FINE!" he yelled, his body convulsing, and stormed off the stage.  
  
Akio, Touga, Miki, and Juri-as-Junpei stood, a bit in shock, staring at the flapping curtains which Saionji had flounced through.  
  
"Looks like we need another Timmy," Akio quipped.  
  
To be continued...  
  
Saionji: Am I still going to be in this story?  
  
Utena: ...  
  
Touga: Shouldn't you know?  
  
Saionji: You think anyone leaves decisions up to ME?  
  
Juri: He's got a point, you know.  
  
Saionji: -_- Absolute Destiny: Apocalypse.  
  
Utena: Hey! You don't get to say that! You're not a main enough character.  
  
Saionji: T_T  
  
***FIN*** 


	9. Krazy for Kilts

Goin' madd krazy with the updates. I've been slacking as far as this fic goes, many apologies to you, my loyal fans. And also many apologies for the quality of this chapter. For the record, nothing mentioned belongs to me, which is unfortunate, because if I was rich I wouldn't do this anymore and save you all your sanity. ^_^;;  
~NV22~  
  
***  
  
*Last time...on 'Where's My Agent?'...*  
  
Saionji: Well, basically, my girlfriend got possessed by the undead and I had to kill her, but not before she bit my hand, and THAT got possessed by the undead, so I cut it off and got it replaced with a chainsaw. Groovy. Oh, and I accidentally went back in time.  
  
All: ::sweatdrop::  
  
Utena: What REALLY happened...Saionji thought he was cool, wrote a song, performed it, got laughed offstage.  
  
Saionji: Yeah, but that doesn't sound nearly as cool.  
  
Utena: You don't even HAVE a girlfriend.  
  
Saionji: Shut up.  
  
And now, ladies and gentlemen, back to the plot.  
  
*three weeks later*  
  
"Oh my Dios in the floating castle..." Utena breathed, staring at the newspaper in her hand.  
  
Akio, as always, chose that particular moment to appear. "You rang?" he said in his best 'sex-'em-up' voice.  
  
Utena thrust the paper at him, the both of them consciously aware that that would be the *only* thing Utena would *ever* be thrusting in Akio's direction, pardon the disturbing mental image. "Read this, Skippy."  
  
As Akio scanned the fateful article, very slowly color drained out of his face. Which should be said would've been quite the funny image, had not situations been so dire. Of course, Utena didn't find the situation as dire as Akio might have, so she took this as a perfect opportunity to laugh until she cried because man, did Akio look weird.  
  
"Touga! Miki! Juri! Get in here, fast!" Akio barked in a panicked voice.  
  
Grumbling about how they weren't Akio's monkey toys, or something like that, the three members strolled one by one into the room. "What's up, Author of All Lies?" Juri asked, stifling a yawn.  
  
Akio passed the article to her. "Saionji quit!" he said, finally getting to the exposition this story so direly needed.  
  
Juri grabbed the article hastily. "He did WHAT?" She devoured the article in a matter of seconds, and proceeded to gyrate around the room. "We're rid of Saionji!" she yelped gleefully, grabbing Miki up in a bear hug and swinging him in a circle, much to the chagrin of the blue-haired boy.  
  
"What happened?" Miki asked, leaning against a table for support and struggling for breath.  
  
"He quit!" Juri said in an unnaturally high and cheerful voice. "Apparently he went to go join some self-important Scottish punk band called 'Men With Skirts.'"  
  
Utena doubled over with laughter. "He'll fit right in, that's for sure."  
  
"Well, what are we supposed to do now that we're short one member?" Touga said, looking overly worried. Of course he was worried. Without this band, he'd only be an anime bishounen, not an anime-and-pop-group bishounen. That meant a serious decline in harem numbers--er, that is, fans.  
  
Miki shrugged. "So we get a new member."  
  
"It's not that easy!" Touga protested. "Who do you think we are, Destiny's Child?"  
  
"Well, let's think about this logically," Miki said, sitting down. "The only other A-list males on campus are Mitsuru and Mikage."  
  
"Neither of them are particularly A-list," Utena pointed out.  
  
"You just don't like Mikage because he looks like you," Juri said.  
  
"He does NOT look like me," Utena said hotly. "For starters, I have a MUCH better figure..."  
  
Instinctively, the group glanced towards Akio, waiting for him to make a lewd comment or maybe two so they could get on with their lives, but he was staring off into space. "Ruka."  
  
"WHAT?" Juri screeched. "Oh *hell* no. I am not having that pompous, airhead bastard working side-by-side with me every day until we get a Grammy nomination."  
  
"Grammy nomination?" Utena repeated incredulously. "That seems so unlikely."  
  
"I wish Saionji-san was here," Miki said softly.  
  
"Yeah, me too," Juri said, looking more than a bit angry. "I'd rather have that arrogant SOB with us than Ruka any day of the week. At least Saionji provided us with some entertainment of sorts."  
  
"You would sneak into his room and kick him while he was sleeping," Akio said.  
  
"Yeah," Juri said fondly. "He always made the funniest sounds..."  
  
"Didn't you steal his clock radio?" Utena asked.  
  
Akio was apoplectic with rage. "He was ALWAYS late to practice because of YOU?"  
  
"It was funny!" Juri said. "You're just mad you didn't think of it yourself!"  
  
There was a long pause. Akio shrugged. "Okay, yeah."  
  
Touga flipped his hair over his shoulder Cher-style and pretended like he hadn't. "So, what are we going to do?"  
  
Miki stared. "I dunno. Call in Sonny Bono?"  
  
"He's dead," Utena pointed out, totally missing the joke  
  
"He'd still be better than Touga!" Akio burst in, and fell over, laughing and rolling on the floor like he was the new Chris Rock. Juri kicked him.  
  
"That does it," Akio fumed. "I'm calling up Ruka."  
  
"What? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--"  
  
*an hour later*  
  
"--OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"  
  
Utena glanced at her watch, wondered briefly how she'd gotten it because she didn't wear watches, and looked at Juri. "You done?"  
  
Juri gasped for breath. "Yeah, I think so."  
  
"Good." Utena took out her earplugs, another inexplicable accessory she had acquired in this scene. "You should do sports commentary for soccer."  
  
"Thanks."  
  
The door was flung open. "I'm ba-ack!" Ruka called out.  
  
To be continued...  
  
Touga: I didn't like this chapter. Nothing happened.  
Utena: Nothing ever happens. This is utter crap.  
Juri: I'm not getting paid enough for this, I swear.  
Miki: You're not getting paid at all.  
Akio, Touga: SHUT UP, MIKI!  
Utena: -_- Absolute Destiny: Apocalypse  
  
***FIN*** 


End file.
